the grass is greener on this side 

but i’m tired of grass 

thank you god 
for the bees 
for when i hear them buzz buzz buzz when i hold my breath
for when they hop from flower to flower with a small neon hum
i hope to have the PR team that bees have

when i was little, everyone hated bees
now we don’t just love them
we protect them with our lives
house them, pay them, defend them,
ask for more

sometimes the sting hurts so bad we forget all about what they do for us 
sometimes we get so grossed out by bugs we wish to see them all dead. 
bugs are older than we can imagine 
bugs invented flying
they brought us into this world and they can take us out 
i wonder if bees know what impact they have
is this a one sided relationship?
a parasocial dependency for survival?

i don’t think it’s fair that they have to die when they sting us 
it’s poetic in a way, but it’s not fair 
we threaten their life,
they sting us, 
but then their stinger, 
(which is attached to their abdomens)
sticks into the perpetrators skin 
and rips out their internal organs as they try to escape their abuser

i listened to a podcast about borderline personality disorder today 
it’s a rage response disorder commonly diagnosed to histrionic women who fear abandonment. 
overemotional, hyper-sensitive, fearful-avoidant abuse victims. 
hysterical, anxiety-ridden, paranoid people with parental problems

you know, 

crazy bitches. 

it’s highly debated if bpd even exists.
dbt seems to help. 
sometimes i wonder if i have it
sometimes i get so mad
and so scared
and so closed off
and so shadowy
that i feel my teeth gnash into my jaw
and i can move the blood in my body to places i didn’t even know existed
and i grieve 1000 lives that i had to live 
and there might be something wrong with me
it might be over for me. 
maybe this will be the final flower i land on
and all i’ll have left is the lawn

maybe it doesn’t really matter 
maybe im being ungrateful
this is the present moment:

my stinger’s attached. 

my grass is green. 

sometimes the sting doesn’t even hurt that bad in the grand scheme of things